I'm going to start adding a song to each entry I make in order to maybe better convey my general feeling at the time. This entry's song is Big Eyed Fish, by the Dave Matthews Band (Busted Stuff).

Yesterday marked the six month anniversary of my injury. It makes me feel. . . sad. . . apathetic. . . dazed. . . uncertain. . . I'm not sure. As of late, my sentiment has generally been a sort of sad resignation, a defeated exhaustion as this milestone comes and goes and I'm still not walking, still not physically comfortable, still not enjoying life. The permanence of this whole thing strikes me more poignantly now, the fact that my paralysis is for real and is not simply going to "get better." Holy crap, when that concept really hits home, when I really wrap my mind around the potential prospect of living the rest of my life as I am now - well that just makes me want to cry.

I hope so badly that I get better. At the same time, I hope so badly that I won't be emotionally dependant on that physical recovery. It's such a dilemma: the battle between working for physical recovery and detaching oneself from that dependency. The two efforts naturally oppose each other, and I find that pursuit of either one inevitably makes me feel deficient in the other. I'm either slacking or fooling myself, failing my potential for recovery or avoiding reality. There is no "right," and I can't seem to find peace in this regard. I think I would feel more depressed if I wasn't so drained.

So, what keeps life rolling on? Here are some things that help a bit:

• My dogs
• Physical therapy, improving my brace walking
• Classes at the JC
• Working on this web site
• Music
• The couch
• Mom and Dad's support and availability to talk
• Tramadol
• Chess
• New wheelchair coming (though I really just think about how it will suck sitting in it)
• The big one is still the hope of getting better, just like the first entry
• My friend gave me the phone number of a guy he met who was a C-something quad. I called him up and he told me this story: he'd broken his neck in a diving accident and was completely paralyzed from the neck down - no nothing. He remained this way for 9 months in the hospital, totally dependant on others, believing more and more that he would be a complete quad for the rest of his life. Then he began to get a bit of sensation back. Then a bit of movement. After nearly two years in the hospital, 9 months of which was spent completely immobile, he was able to walk out the front doors using forearm crutches. Many years later, he is now able to function almost completely as he did before being injured. He said it took four years to feel "normal," again, but it is now normal. 2 years in the hospital. No movement for 9 months. Total recovery. It gives me a bit of hope.